Download Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, by Gary Shriver, Mona Shriver
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Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, by Gary Shriver, Mona Shriver
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This book was revised in 2009 and is now titled Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity. The new version has significantly more information and addresses emotional affairs.
- Sales Rank: #695486 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Life Journey
- Published on: 2005-04-15
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .39" w x 5.50" l,
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
Ten years ago, Gary Shriver dropped the marital equivalent of an atomic bomb on his wife, Mona. Within hours of being confronted by a co-worker and subsequently admonished by his pastor, Shriver confessed to a three-year adulterous affair with his wife's close friend. As a Christian, Mona, though completely stunned and devastated, hung onto the frailest of threads that their marriage might be saved because Gary was both repentant and wanted reconciliation. Despite their commitment to rebuild their relationship, Mona courageously admitted to less than selfless motives for not seeking an immediate divorce. First, there was pride, as Mona writes that she was proud of their marriage. Second, there was more pride, as she feared people would view her very likable husband as the "better one" in the marriage, thus understanding or even excusing Gary's infidelity. Finally, she hadn't anywhere to go. In characteristic fashion, the Shrivers describe their marital journey before, during and after the affair in brutally transparent diary-like essays. They tell of their decisions, their grief and their eventual healing, found not so much within the confines of the church but from what they believed was God's own merciful hand. This hopeful and constructive guide may offer exactly what troubled Christian couples require as they attempt to transform the bitterest of betrayals to trust. (May)
Copyright � Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Most helpful customer reviews
30 of 32 people found the following review helpful.
Recommended for betrayed Christian spouses
By Randall Nowan
Earlier this year, I discovered that my wife had been unfaithful to me while I was mobilized for duty in Afghanistan. To make matters worse, the man she had an affair with is a member of her church. With nowhere to turn after the affair was revealed, I discovered this book and found it very helpful. Because of the facts surrounding my particular experience, Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity had some good points to make about how the born-again church interacts with the faithful spouse, the unfaithful spouse and the lover, since Gary's and Mona's experience with the affair and its consequences is written from an evangelical perspective and Gary's "other woman" was also a member of their church. However, because I am not a Christian and therefore not a member of my wife and her lover's congregation (Assembl�ia de Deus), some parts of the book were not applicable to me, particularly the parts that quoted and interpreted scriptural passages. And, although the book is excellent at describing the principals' emotions, it is a little short on how trust is actually rebuilt after an affair. It also jumps around in time, which weakens the book's underlying promise of demonstrating how trust is rebuilt after an affair.
But overall, for those betrayed spouses going through this very painful experience, particularly Christian spouses, this is a good book to read. Some of the most important points the book brings out are:
* Although you may not have been the ideal spouse, nothing ever justifies your spouse having an affair (p 72).
* The possibility of an affair frequently begins with the unfaithful spouse's anger at the faithful spouse (p 76).
* Absolute honesty from the unfaithful spouse is essential to rebuilding trust, even though short-term it causes more hurt (pp 88, 90, 136). Only with a proven track record of honesty over time can trust be rebuilt.
* The ability to deceive -- lie convincingly -- is a huge part of the destruction an affair causes (pp 95, 115). I know this personally because of the devastating effect my wife's post-affair lying had on me when I confronted her with the name of her lover and accused her of the affair. She looked me right in the eye and said "Juro por Deus que n�o tive um caso com ele" ("I swear to God I didn't have an affair with him"), even though I had just read an IM between the two of them where she had written about what their child would have looked like if she had became pregnant by him ("imagina so...daqui a 9 m�ses nascendo uma/um menino/a com um cabelo mas crespinho e mas moreninho...que gra�a?!!!!").
* A marriage where adultery has occurred is more likely to have adultery occur again, the "oneness" of the marriage having been destroyed (p 97).
* Betrayed spouses should be very careful about the people they tell (p 110).
* Rebuilding trust involves avoiding all situations where there can be even a hint of deception (p 129) and requires having the unfaithful spouse answer any question the faithful spouse asks (p 136).
* If you're the betrayed spouse, and you're bored with thinking about or talking about the affair, then you've reached an important milestone to recovery (p 138).
* It is normal to want to know every detail possible about the affair -- dates, times, clothes, locations, emotions (p 140).
* To prevent a recurrence of an affair, if you're a married man, never be alone with a woman; if you're a married woman, never be alone with a man (pp 193-194). If only my wife had followed this advice from the beginning!
* "Forgiveness is not trust. These are two separate issues" (p 159). Personally, I think can eventually forgive my wife, since I too have felt the desire to cheat. Even though I've never acted on that desire, I've been much more receptive to it than having it be a simple passing thought. As for regaining my trust -- that is another matter and will take years.
18 of 20 people found the following review helpful.
I am normal for feeling this way!
By Michelle
This is a great book about a couple who have been through what my husband and I are currently going through. They describe in detail their feelings at the time of the discloser of the affair. I could relate to her feelings and share them better with my husband and he could do the same for me. We were able to open up more with each other. Someone else has been there and survived - there is hope!
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent book that does not blame the faithful
By Bargain_Mom_7
My husband and I loved this book. It was the first book that I reviewed and ultimately bought that did not blame the faithful. This book dealt with the realities of what happens in the aftermath. It helps those freshly in it to understand what is happening and what can potentially happen when you decide to reconcile. Some of the suggestions we did not use because they just didn't work for us but maybe they can work for you. If you want a non-clinical, first hand account of how to deal with or approach the adultery from a couple who were involved in church that does not beat you over the head, and is sensitive to challenges of rebuilding, this is definitely the book to read.
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